JOHN SIMPSON LIBERATES TRIPOLI!!

John Simpson the BBC correspondent, famous for wearing a dress and declaring himself the liberator of Kandahar, has been embedded with ’the Libyan rebels’ for the past two weeks.  It is rumoured he and Lindset Hilsum (Channel 4) joyously fired off borrowed automatic weapons alongside the rebels as they made their triumphal entry into Tripoli.    

John Simpson: ' a big fat cock'.

‘Simmo’, as he is known to his colleagues, filed a typically astute and balanced report which aired on the BBC this evening.  ‘The situation is dire’ he said, ‘there is currently no water supply coming into Tripoli at all’ – he forgot to add that this was probably because NATO has been intermittently bombing water facilities for the past three weeks. Luckily the UN has pledged $1 Billion in aid, to help clean up the mess and the bodies that they created.  Quick jump-cut to a dozen children celebrating the Rebels victory.  Then a shot of some Libyan feet trampling on a photo of Gadaffi’s infamous female bodyguards.  There’ll be none of that nonsense under the new regime.  It’s strictly burka’s from now on gals!   Jump-cut again to some of Gadaffi’s evil secret tunnels.  The inference here: no doubt the evil dictator scuttled down these very tunnels dragging as many of his evil blocks of gold as he could. 

Simmo is already rumoured to be researching his next big Libya scoop; he’s currently scouring the country looking for that classic post-invasion story: the inevitable child casualty of war, a human face to tug at the heart-strings; ideally it will be a young girl who will then be ferried back to England to receive medical treatment for her eyes/legs/depleted uranium burns. 

Thus proving that we are the good guys after all.  As is Simmo; the man who liberated Kandahar and Tripoli (the latter with the help of Lindsey Hilsum. 

Kandahar, Afghanistan. John Simpson is fourth from the left.