Cable boasts on BBC Question Time of one good thing he has done since being in government.

‘Banning the British export of this killer-drug to America is something I’m actually very proud of’, declared a largely impotent Business Secretary on BBC’s Question Time  last week.  And for once, Vince Cable did seem genuinely proud of his own actions; perhaps his boast was unsurprising, following on from the controversial execution of Troy Davis by lethal injection.

Unfortunately, because of a shortage of Sodium Thiopental, many States have now introduced slow-strangulation as an alternative to lethal injection.

Alternative mode of execution.

Human rights activists say that Cable’s one and only good-intentioned act may have spectacularly misfired.

‘Under the new methods, some of the inmates will take ten, maybe twenty minutes to die’, said Lawyer Clive-Stafford-Cripps. he added, ’the problem is, many of the State-Appointed executioners are quite elderly, and thus quite feeble.’

Too old too strangle? -Esther Burkowski (aka 'The Black Widow) is the State-appointed executioner for Florida: she reportedly has arthritis in both wrists.

John Simpson: ' a big fat cock'.

‘Simmo’, as he is known to his colleagues, filed a typically astute and balanced report which aired on the BBC this evening.  ‘The situation is dire’ he said, ‘there is currently no water supply coming into Tripoli at all’ – he forgot to add that this was probably because NATO has been intermittently bombing water facilities for the past three weeks. Luckily the UN has pledged $1 Billion in aid, to help clean up the mess and the bodies that they created.  Quick jump-cut to a dozen children celebrating the Rebels victory.  Then a shot of some Libyan feet trampling on a photo of Gadaffi’s infamous female bodyguards.  There’ll be none of that nonsense under the new regime.  It’s strictly burka’s from now on gals!   Jump-cut again to some of Gadaffi’s evil secret tunnels.  The inference here: no doubt the evil dictator scuttled down these very tunnels dragging as many of his evil blocks of gold as he could. 

Simmo is already rumoured to be researching his next big Libya scoop; he’s currently scouring the country looking for that classic post-invasion story: the inevitable child casualty of war, a human face to tug at the heart-strings; ideally it will be a young girl who will then be ferried back to England to receive medical treatment for her eyes/legs/depleted uranium burns. 

Thus proving that we are the good guys after all.  As is Simmo; the man who liberated Kandahar and Tripoli (the latter with the help of Lindsey Hilsum. 

Kandahar, Afghanistan. John Simpson is fourth from the left.

Al Barabi- apparently used a small child as a human-shield before wetting himself and praying for forgiveness. He was shot 5 times.

However a spokesman for the US Special Forces confirmed there is unlikely to be any evidence of the latest high-profile ’hit’  in the near-future:

 ’In accordance with Muslim law’, Terry Mcmanaman told a press conference, ‘ we immediately jettisoned the body into space, and we won’t be releasing  any footage of the incident , to avoid reprocussions. However what I can tell you is this: Al Barabi was planning on hitting major airports and play-creches across America with sophisticated biological devices. ’

Cheney: 'It's Time to get Old Testament!'

Since 2009, when President Obama finally outlawed the use of controversial  ’enhanced interogation techniques’, poor Dick Cheney has had to rely on old videos of Guantanamo waterboarding to get his kicks. 

‘It’s been a hard time for him’ admitted a friend and close confidente of the ex-vice-President: ‘He used to have a live-feed that he’d watch down in his luxury ‘bunker’; no one else was allowed in; it was just him and a box of hankies.  I think he misses the live-experience; the whole will-they-won’t-they-survive kick he used to get.  I’m guessing that’s why he’s come out and advocated the reintroduction of such techniques’. 

Bin Laden: Gunned down by navy seals as he attempted to scuttle into his luxury spider-hole

Dixon of Cock Green: 21st century cop, PC Simon Harwood used 'reasonable force' to protect the banks and franchised corporations from a middle-aged man uncertain on his feet who was walking away.

 

Welcome To Tescoland: Police protect helpless corporate giant against ‘a violent minority who want local businesses to remain’

It seems in this new profit-motive Big society, investigating petty crime and burglary is a thing of the past: ‘Quite simply there’s no profit-motive in it’ admitted Bristol’s Chief Inspector Harry Shepherd yesterday.  That’s why you’re nowadays most likely to see a bobby issuing fines rather than walking the beat.  To put it bluntly, we have to turn a profit.’  In Bristol he has plans to roll-out on-the-spot fines for soon-to-be-specified offences, such as: ’wearing a loud shirt in a built-up area’. And it doesn’t stop there, Shepherd reckons the skies the limit when it comes to fleecing the general public: ‘In Great Yarmouth they recently issued a £50 fine to a fourteen-year-old  when he was spotted driving without due care and attention whilst playing crazy-golf.  That’s the kind of initiative we’re after’ he said.  

And what of those people injured whilst fighting against yet another Tesco’s metro in their bohemian neighbourhood?  

‘Collateral damage’ he answered succinctly.

Surviving canaanites say THEIR holy book proclaims the land of Canaa to be rightfully theirs.

A leading Rabbi yesterday labelled Cananite claims to the land of Israel as ‘ridiculous’. 

He further criticised the legitimacy of the Canaanite’s desire to return to their supposed holy land, by adding:  ‘to stake a claim to any land on the basis of a spurious holy book!  It’s complete and total bubkis!’