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CAMERON: ‘ELECTION? WHAT’S THE BLOODY POINT , WE’LL ALL BE RULED BY BRUSSELS SOON ANYWAY!’ January 13, 2010

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THE DAILY SKETCH  by Polly Poison

Parliament: As embedded commentator’s and  journalists swirled around the familiar corridors looking for crumbs from the high-table – upstairs in his office, a tired and emotional David Cameron rose from his desk, snapped on his cycle-clips and declared: ‘That’s it, I’m off home to see my family, snuggle up on the sofa, and watch Eastenders.’

George Osbourne (close friend and confidente of Peter Mandelson) apparently snapped back:  ‘But what about the bloody election David?’

To which Cameron reportedly responded: ‘Oh George, why don’t we all just all jet off somewhere warm for a few weeks, let poor old Brown dig himself an even deeper hole – then, bingo! – election in the bag.  Besides, it’s the last general election that’ll mean anything anyhow. ‘

‘What on earth do you mean, David?’ Said William Hague in his familiar strangulated tone.

‘Oh come on William, think about it!’, replied Cameron, pulling on his cycling helmet, ‘we all know that in a few years time we’ll all be ruled from Brussels anyway. -We pretty much are already.’

And with that, he departed, leaving behind a collection of  jaws agape.

Eventually an exasperated Mr Osbourne found his voice, if only to opine to nobody in particular:  ‘Why the hell does he wear that cycling gear to sit in the back of a governmental car anyway?’

‘He cycles the last half-mile’ said Mr Hague, resignedly. 

 At which point Mr Mandleson stuck his head round the door, armed with a tray of pastries:

‘Danish anyone?’  He asked, and to his utter bemusement,  everybody laughed.

Polly Poison – Parliamentary Sketchwriter – Jan 14th

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