POPE DAMNS BLAIR TO HELL! shock Papal Bull condemns Teflon Tony to the fiery depths. January 31, 2010Posted by feedthemoon in Uncategorized.
In a stunning and unprecendented move, the Vatican yesterday issued a Papal Bull, declaring that Tony Blair’s recent and hasty conversion to Catholocism, did NOT excuse him from the massive war crimes commited BEFORE his conversion.
Mr Blair, it is reported, had hoped that he could – as one observer put it, ‘cheat the devil’ for his role in the murder of hundreds of thousands of innocent Iraqis – by seeking absolution from the Roman Catholic Church. According to one close friend of the Blair’s, Cherie had personally and fervantly encouraged the former PM to convert, apparently telling him: ‘ Tony, you needn’t worry over final judgements and all that. Seriously, if you join us (the Catholics), you could choke a puppy to death in front of an orphan and get off with twelve Hail Mary’s. -the slate’s simply wiped clean. It’s brilliant!’
This, supopsedly, was the argument that won Blair over, and persuaded him to fly to Rome. ‘I need to kiss the Pope’s ring.’ He told Jack Straw, who reportedly replied rather archly, ‘well,it’ll make a change from kissing Bush’s.’
Jack Straw is said to be still bitter over Blair’s decision to move him from the position of Home Secretary, and according to another former Home Secretary, Charles Clarke MP, Straw still attributes his humiliating demotion to the ill-timed jibe. ‘Tony was furious’ said the jug-eared Blairite.
Yet despite Blair’s desperate embrace of the Church of Rome, he has been left reeling from yesterday’s news.
‘Things were going so well for him’ confided a rather subdued Alistair Campbell, ‘Cherie was finally getting off his back about not earning enough money, he tap-danced his way through the Chilcott Enquiry, he was the happiest I’ve seen him for a long time.’
No wonder Cherie was finally off his back, since retiring as Prime Minister, Blair has amassed a small fortune for himself and his famously grasping wife, and what’s more, he had still maintained a high-profile thanks to his position as Peace Envoy to Israel. But it seems his luck has changed, for the worse. At 11 am yesterday, a spokesman for the Vatican announced:
‘Whilst his holiness the Pope welcomes all conversions to the Church, he has been advised that Mister Tony Blair cannot be granted full immunity for all his many crimes against humanity. Only one option remains, and by the grace of God, immunity may only be granted if Mr Blair were to immediately commit him self to the betterment of humankind. A neccessary start along the road to redemption would have to be a complete and utter abandonment of all riches and wealth attained before and after his decision to bomb the Iraqi nation and its people. Mr Blair speaks of liberation for the Iraqi people: Tell that to the hundreds of thousands who died thanks to the allied bombings sanctioned by the then prime Minister – does he seriously think they care if it was a liberation or an invasion? – The dead are still dead no matter how it is justified. The only hope for Mr Blair and his greedy wife, would be for them to donate all their riches to the poor and needy with immediate effect – this would at least set him on the beginnings of the path to redemption.’
Cherie Blair was reported to be ‘shocked and awed’ by the announcement, and is being treated by a private physician for her nerves.
‘It seems the Vatican has hit them hard, and hit them exactly where it hurts: In the wallet’, said Fern Britton today.
The Israeli newspaper Haaretz this morning published a story claiming that Tony Blair is now actively investigating the possibility of a further conversion, this time to a branch of mystical Judaism known as Kabbalah. However, the rumour that pop-diva Madonna has flown over to Tel Aviv to personally advise Mr Blair, is as yet, still unconfirmed.