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KENNEDY SHOT! -AGAIN! May 3, 2010

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It was Piers Morgan, in the dying minutes of the game who delivered the ‘magic-bullet’ of a pass to Kennedy’s head, and team-manager, Davina McCall watched on in wonder as her talismanic captain expertly directed the ball into the back of the net: making it 1-0 in extra-time to the Entertainers’ Eleven.  

Kennedy: Head shot.

This was the second time in as many weeks that a Nigel Kennedy shot had saved his team at the last: At the very last it turned out, as within seconds of their celebrations, the referee blew for full-time, and Nigel Kennedy found himself buried beneath a huddle of celebrating bodies: The celebrity team had made it to the finals of the Veri-Chip All-Comers Cup-Final.

Sting, confused, bewildered; but happy.

Even Sting, following his recent much-publicised tantric-accident managed to hobble onto the pitch to ruffle that famous spiked hair of the eccentric-violinist and one-time team-mate.

‘That was monster, monster special!’, declared a triumphant Kennedy in his own inimitable and slightly irritating fashion after the game.  The only dampener on the day was the news that Nigel Kennedy’s stradivarious violin has been irrepairably water-damaged following the raucous changing-room celebrations that followed; onlookers said Kennedy jumped into the team-bath with it and proceeded to conduct a wild-jig-and-reel whilst being splashed by his euphoric team-mates. The impromptu performance was apparently accompanied by a drunken and naked Rod Stewart on the spoons.

Rumours that celebrity Chefs’ Jamie Oliver and Heson Blumenthal got into a no-holds-barred fist-fight on the coach-trip back to London have not been substantiated. meanwhile, Kirstie Alsopp (co-presenter of Channel 4’s ‘Relocation, Relocation’ programme) is still being held for questioning following rumours of a racially-motivated attack on an Armenian man.   

Allsop: Vicious, unprovoked attack on Armenian.

With their team captain performing the way he is at the moment, who would bet against the Entertainers Eleven winning the final on May 8th? If he can just keep his unruly team in check the sky really is the limit, and on this form it would take a carefully orchestrated CIA plot to put this particular Kennedy down.   

Phil Spector: Football correspondent for feedthemoon

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1. James - May 3, 2010

On loan striker Higgins tipped by Nooze of the Whirled to replace Kennedy in the long term. John has been seen practising his swing and sock trick cannon shot, and is ready to move into a new league of gentleman, according to Barry ‘how many sugars’ McVicar. John Virgo was not heard to say, “we have a good medium and are confident of contacting Joe Stalin to provide a cracking character reference for Johnny H”. Ted Lowe is staying so ; no word from him regarding a reported deal to co-host a new season of “You’ve Been Framed, Potted Black, Blue & Snookered Loopy” with Chas & Dave. ~ From the wires of [Wroiters] cramped noozedesk ~


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