BIZARRELY-PRECISE PREDICTIONS FOR WORLD EVENTS IN 2011 December 31, 2010Posted by feedthemoon in Uncategorized.
OUR RESIDENT PSYCHIC ASTROLOGER GIVES HIS PREDICTIONS FOR THE YEAR AHEAD:
Expect familiar old faces to publicly crash and burn as a global awakening finally takes hold.
TONY BLAIR will relinquish his title of ‘Peace Envoy To The Middle East’. Not, as one would perhaps expect, because of relentless public cynicism regarding his suitability for the job, but rather exhaustion and fatigue will be cited as the reason. Cherie Blair will tell the world that the endless to-ing and fro-ing between England and Israel has finally taken it’s toll on him. ‘Tony’s completely dead on his feet’, she will say, ‘and after all, he needs to stay on his feet to keep giving all those lucrative after-dinner speeches.’
Following-on from the release of the Nixon-era tapes (on which he was heard to say: ‘If they want to put Jews into gas chambers in the Soviet Union, it is not an American concern’) – HENRY KISSINGER will quietly bow out of office. He will turn his back on the political circuit entirely, and instead focus all his attentions on his growing business interests. Expect him to open a chain of motorway diners named ‘Useless Eaters’.
A series of devestating tsunami’s will completely submerge strategic off-shore tax-havens such as the Cayman Islands and the Isle of Man; effectively sending trillions of ‘dirty money’ (largely obtained from drug-laundering and war-profiteering) into a watery grave. As a consequence news media commentators will be bitterly disappointed as some eagerly-anticipated wars will be cancelled. They will be somewhat buoyed, however, by the resulting next wave of swingeing public sector cuts across whole of the UK.
GEORGE W BUSH will exhibit a very public ‘meltdown’. I can see him reacting to snide remarks about his privileged background by rounding on his accusers; he will be heard to shout: ‘Have any of YOU guys ever been forced to masturbate in a coffin while your daddy looks on?’ There will follow much speculation on the internet as to whether he was referring to his Skull-and-Bones initiation ceremony, or a previously unreported incident relating to his brief stint as an assistant in a funeral home.
SIMON COWELL will undergo a divine transformation during a live edition of American Idol. Cowell, after witnessing yet another rendition of R. Kelly’s ‘I Wish I Could Fly’, will shock everyone by announcing: ‘You know what, this isn’t art, it is artifice. All we’re seeing here are feint facsimiles of creative works; all this is utterly meaningless: In fact, you know what, this show is the very antithesis of what William Blake called The Divine Imagination.’ At which point his upper body will suddenly pitch forward and his head slam against the desk, sending a glass tumbler of water crashing to the floor. The footage will be interrupted while production-staff attempt to revive him. He will later retire from the show, announcing to the world that he has secured a new job: as Chief Librarian at the Akashic Hall of Records. He will soon after change his name to Zinn The Impenetrable.
A new French Reality TV-show will descend into chaos. ‘ Île de Sang’ (Blood Island) will place various celebrities on a remote Philippine island, and leave them stranded there with only thousands of cameras to follow their every move. Unfortunately a nearby civil war will leave the celebrities completely isolated without access to food or fizzy water; However, live pictures will still be beamed via the internet as events descend into murder and worse. After six months they will be dramatically rescued by French Special Forces, but mounting scandal will envelop the estranged wife of President Sarkozy as she is implicated in the disappearance of a fellow celebrity: Mime-artist Jacques Pelet. Accusations of cannibalism will follow.