BEHOLD THE COSMIC WAVE! now available in paperback – (EXCERPT) July 20, 2012Posted by feedthemoon in Uncategorized.
Tags: comedy, occupy, police violence, protests, satire
ACTIVATE THE SOUND WEAPON!
‘We want cake, we want cake, we want cake!’ went the cry.
The police became edgy, but held back on the thug-division, at least for the moment.
Superintendent Harry Foulds took to the loud-hailer and addressed the two thousand or so fancy-dressers, who were all sitting before him as if awaiting a bedside story:
‘Under the Eternal Vigilance Bill this gathering is deemed illegal’-
His words are met with wolf-like howls and imitations of dog-yapping.
‘However, we recognise that thus far your gathering has been peaceful.
There comes a response: ‘aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!’
‘In order to accommodate a situation that shall be beneficial to both parties, I would like to speak to your leader; or representative’.
There is silence, until, a solitary teddy bear gets to his feet. All the other protestors crane their necks to look up at him. Slowly he raises his paw, and his voice is slightly muffled beneath the bear mask:
‘I am Spartacus!’ he says.
The superintendent lowers the loud-hailer and asks of a colleague:
‘What did he say?’
‘I think he said I am Spartacus, sir: like in the film.’
‘-With Kirk Douglas, sir.’
‘I know the fucking film sergeant’.
Another bear stands.
‘Here we go.’ Says the Superintendent wearily.
As expected, there comes the muffled shout: ‘I am Spartacus!’ .
Then, another bear: ‘No, I am Spartacus!’
A bear and a woman dressed as Little-Bo-Peep rise, holding hands/paws: ‘I am Spartacus and so is my wife!’
The Superintendent holds the hailer to his lips again:
‘Yes, very good; I appreciate the humour, and of course the desire for anonymity; however’-
The crowd all shout the one word: ‘However!’
‘We need to establish your demands in order to find a way forward. I am trying to avoid any mass-arrests and unpleasantness here. There is a loud-hailer currently being passed through the crowd’-
The loud hailer is being treated as if it is a hot-potato as it is passed from hand to hand, glove to glove, paw to paw through the fancy-dressed throng.
‘When one of you feels brave enough to put it to your lips and tell me the one demand that you have; then we may proceed – hopefully – peacefully.’
The crowd all shout a repeat of the two words: ‘Hopefully peacefully’.
Eventually the game of hot potato ends as one teddy bear does not pass it on. Very slowly he climbs to his feet, the hailer by his side.
‘What are your demands?’ asks the Superintendent.
For the longest couple of seconds the bear merely stands there, facing the phalanx of police officers. The superintendent loosens his collar.
Then, ever-so-slowly, the bear brings the hailer to his mouth. Then lowers it again, and with difficulty (due to his big paws), he turns it on. A high-pierced screech sounds around the square. Many put their hands over their ears and scream as if in pain. Then the bear addresses the police superintendent.
‘We want a bloody big picnic, now!’
The Superintendent lowers his hailer and grimaces; turns to his sergeant who says, ‘They’re taking the piss sir.’
‘You think so Sergeant? Well two can play at that game.’ The Sergeant nods, enthusiastically.
As if to say, the time for talking’s over, he throws the hailer to the floor; the sergeant feels a great rush of excitement, and looks on, somewhat in awe at his boss.
‘This is our picnic now!’ says the Superintendent, hands upon hips, staring into the crowd through his narrowed eyes. He turns slowly to face the grim-faced subordinate to his left: